Stop coddling our neurodivergent kids

Seth Perler's TEFOS was absolutely wonderful at introducing me to people who are making things happen in the executive function universe. One of the people that I really enjoyed was Shane Thrapp of Creating Order out of Chaos. His recent posts about coddling hit a nerve with me. "The hidden dangers of overprotecting your neurodivergent child" and "Age-appropriate independence building for neurodivergent children" both help define the challenge and offer strategies for overcoming coddling. As a teacher I have seen coddling for all students, not just the neurodivergent ones. Since the pandemic there has been a rash of grade inflation to "help" our kids adjust. Some schools prevent seniors from receiving a failing grade. Parents step in at every opportunity to make the way easier for their children. 

 For kids with ADHD and ASD these behaviors can be worse. Parents want to help their kids, but sometimes this takes the stance of insulating our children from all challenges. True, finding the balance between accommodations and doing it all is a fine line at times. When parents are tired their ability to handle the chaos an unregulated child might cause is limited and doing it yourself seems like the easy way out. But when we do this, we actually hamper our children's opportunity to develop life skills and independence. I love the way Thrapp puts it:

Coddling in families with ADHD and autistic children often disguises itself as necessary support. It's doing your child's homework because they're having a sensory meltdown rather than teaching them to identify their overwhelm signals and take breaks. It's constantly speaking for them in social situations instead of helping them develop scripts and communication strategies. It's removing all unexpected changes from their routine rather than gradually building their tolerance for flexibility within structured frameworks."

With my son, we used to call it "girding our loins" as we waded in to challenging situations that we needed to get through. When we noticed that he had never given his order at a fast food restaurant, but had done so at sit down restaurants, we had our chance. We were on a road trip. My husband and I placed our order, our daughter was required to do so and then it was his turn. Yes, he spent 45 minutes avoiding ordering. There were tears, loud statements that he would go hungry and pleading. We stood firm and, eventually, he was able to use the skills he had to place the order and enjoy his meal. It was not comfortable as a parent. We were stared at by other customers. But in the long run, he learned a valuable skill that he uses to this day. 

 When working on executive function skills or sensory tolerance, it will take longer to develop than with the neurotypical. Habits can take between about 3 weeks to months to form for neurotypical people depending on the complexity of the habit and amount of ingrained training/experience the habit is trying to overcome. Think up to 3 times as long to form habits for our ADHD children. For example, for average students it takes them 2-3 years to develop proficiency with a planner. This includes monitoring, guidance and reinforcement. For our neurodivergent folks it might take 6-9 years to learn. When our instruction in school ends, our neurodivergent folks are still just beginning to learn the new skill and are no where near ready for independence. This works for other skills as well. It can take a long time to get there with lots of frustration along the way. Celebrate the small wins. It is worth it. Thrapp notes, "Remember, your job as a parent isn't to make your child's life perfect, it's to prepare them for independence in a world that won't always accommodate their needs automatically. "