Bettina Hohnen, Jan Gilmour and Tara Murphy's book, The Incredible Teenage Brain: Everything You Need to Know to Unlock Your Teen's Potential, is a a great read. The book discusses the neurology around teen brains and how they are different from both children and adults brains. Further, it provides advice on how to help your teen deal with the challenging social and educational landscape they see on a daily basis. They discuss how to help teens care for their brain and optimize performance (see my previous post).
Much of what they do that is different than other tomes I have read is to provide guidance on how to talk with your teen to optimize their thinking and feeling brains. The final chapter wraps it up in a great mnemonic to help adults keep in mind how to approach their young people when they are in a highly emotional state: May the force be with you Luke.
Maybe this situation pushed your buttons. When your buttons are pushed you react in a suboptimal manner. Be aware of your buttons and work to reduce your emotion. If you approach something in a state of emotional arousal, it will only feed it in your child.
the behavior needs decoding, what are they really saying. Just like with toddlers, teens' behavior is communication. Try to read what is beneath the behavior. What is the message they are sending?
force yourself to wait while the emotions settle. My children had a principal who was awesome with this. There was a bench and his therapy dog in the main office. Children sent down would wait there to speak with them. He kept an eye on them and only pulled them in to conversation when their bodies were calm. Emotional brains are not thinking brains. Do not try to use logic, they won't hear it. Wait for them to come down, then you can talk.
be alongside, be with them. Co-regulation is a thing. If you can sit next to them and be calm, it will help them calm. Depending on your child, holding their hand or rubbing their back may be helpful. Sharing emotional experiences is a good thing and you share it with them. This is not a time to talk, just be with them in a calm state.
withhold your advice form now and just listen. Just listen, no advice, no problem solving. You can demonstrate active listening ( paraphrase back to see if you understand the situation).
you describe the emotion if they can't. Help them to label their emotions. This is especially useful for kids with ADHD or ASD. Surprisingly naming emotions is a very challenging task for many people. They may not have the vocabulary or understanding of what the emotion looks and feels like. Use a soft approach, "It seems like you are -----." Strong denials may mean you nailed it or that you have it wrong. Puzzle it out after a break.
Luke (look) for a suitable time to talk it out later, think about solutions and learning points. Later, on their schedule talk about the situation. Different situations need different cooling off periods. At a later non-emotionally charged time talk about what happened and problem solve how to deal better with the situation. Let them identify possible ideas, do not feed them solutions. Becoming an adult means you need to have space to try and figure it out. Your job is to provide support and understanding.
New skills take time to learn. You will backslide and mess it up but keep trying and you will get better.
A great book to help adults understand and support teens.
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