Charisma: The Art of Relationships

In Michael Grinder's book, Charisma: The Art of Relationships, he employs an extended metaphor to describe people. People's styles are made up of dog and cat components. People are not exclusively one or the other and in different settings and situations may exhibit different combinations of characteristics.

In general dogs like to please. The ultimate dog prototype is the golden retriever. He loves to loved, feels guilty when yelled at, even if it is not his fault, want to be part of the group and have a high degree of accommodation. Cats, on the other hand are more independent. Think Siamese. They want to be respected, don't care what you want, and are highly independent. Dogs are people pleasers while cats are oblivious to pleasing or ruffling feathers. Cats need to be teased into doing something whereas dogs do it to make others happy. Dogs are more in tuned with emotions of the group. Toddlers are like dogs- eager to please and heartbroken when they disappoint- vulnerable. Teenagers are like cats- eager to be independent from you, arrogant about skills and never backing away from conflict- ambitious. Cat people tend to be better decision makers and more apt to climb the leadership ladder. Dog people want the group to be happy and tend to be great information gatherers and followers.

Charisma is achieved by balancing these two forces. Recognizing the characteristics of the group in which one is in and responding by bringing in appropriate skills to appeal to the catty or doggy nature of the group. The book describes how to recognize these traits in others and how to manage them to increase success. Vignettes throughout the text demonstrate the issues discussed. Exercises are spattered throughout to allow readers to practice the skills.

Points of interest.
"In school our 'talented and gifted' pupils aren't interested in studying" (p. 31). Their ambition to achieve has been stifled by the search for "something worthy of their attention" (p. 31). When we look at statistics they suggest as many as 30% of this group are drop outs. Famous ones include Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Grinder has stumbled upon one of the greatest challenges of our American education system- what to do with our brightest kids?

"The goal of winning the match [for the cat] isn't that relevant; your opponent isn't your enemy, but an ally in your quest to improve yourself" (p. 34). Cats want worthy adversaries. In school cats want groups and challenges against well matched peers, not very mixed ability groups. It is no challenge to win the spelling bee against an "inferior" opponent. When working on a project, they want to be pulled up, not have to manage relationships and work to make those weaker better. When we ask students to participate in group work, it is important to give them opportunities to work with similar peers sometimes so that they can feel empowered and grow.

Dog people live by the golden rule- do unto others as you would have done to you. Cat people live by the platinum rule- treat others they way they need to be treated (p. 134-5). Equal treatment is the goal of dog people, but cat people see that equal treatment is not fair treatment. When working with cats it is important to have something they want- perhaps merely novelty, but you must be careful because novelty quickly goes away. Cats need cajoling. Dogs need encouraging.

I am a cat, strongly. This means that if I want to develop more charisma, I need to focus on those doggy skills.